Torn in between

I miss them.
I felt incomplete with him without them.
This is my failure to grasp what happiness is.
Ironically, I really don't feel that happy.
The heart that had once opened up is now closing up. There is just no sparks or feeling that I think I can be open with him on everything.
The more I know him, the more I think we are not for each other.
It seems he still doesnt get me for what I do despite knowing most of my background. 
I just realised at this instance that although "he" doesn't know me more, we could still communicate very well and very comfortably together.
Why?
Is this called chemistry?
I know feelings are unreliable.  He is more reliable than them. But I feel bad I have not been able to bring myself to put in effort to show my care and concern more to him.
My mind is constantly preoccupied with work and studies.
Moreover, I really feel we have too many disagreements in many areas.
Wedding, behavior, mindset.
Perhaps I accepted too quickly.
I don't know why. He is deemed as the balance between the two. But I really cant find the balanced point.

适合

什么是适合?
觉得适合的, 感觉却不适合。
觉得不适合的, 感觉却契合。
我没准备好。总觉得有一层隔膜无法跨越。
发现阳光的外表有一个暗沉的内心。
了解真的不够深。
算是最符合条件的, 但感觉就少了那一点。
我也不知道是否该全心付出仰或待观察以后。
我想厘清自己的思绪再与他联络。 可是这么做是蛮自私的吧。
我已经断了其他的线, 只为了他。不希望因为不联络而影响这关系。

Change in Attitude

I have been cool towards pleasing him.
I lack the passion and affection.
I would like to have my own time most of the time, be it just slack and stare blankly or watch movie online.
They are just not on my mind.
This happened since last week.
What happened? Why is there such a change in myself?
I suppose one of the reasons would be I am too focused in work and bogged down by it at all times. I enjoy working despite the challenge of meeting immenent deadline.

看自己

总是觉得没什么事很难办到, 只要有决心和毅力就行。
总觉得自己可以当个很善解人意的另一半,
总觉得自己真的可以承担任何问题,
总觉得自己是一个绝对好人,
总觉得自己做的决定并不会反悔,
总觉得自己真的有能力做一个近乎理想的人。
后来发现自己真的没有办法当我理想中的人。

我的心不够宽,反而不知不觉中变得狭隘。一点不顺意的事足以让我心里顿时充斥着怨气。
我遇到难题, 就想着逃离和结束。不过, 这也因人而异。
我无法做到百分百的专注, 无法割舍曾让我全心付出的。
我无法抵抗, 我软弱。
这让我自己在做人的原则上, 出现了灰色地带。看待事物也多了一份同理心, 明白不是所有东西不是黑就是白, 而是也有复杂的灰。
当我把自己说过的话和决定吞进肚里时, 其实我很懊恼为何自己不能当个说一就一的人。
明明说过的绝对, 到头来都是对自己说的谎言, 许下的空白承诺。
现在想想, 如果自己都无法兑现对自己的承诺, 那我要怎么要求别人兑现给我的承诺呢?
现在的我, 绝对不是最佳的我。
我无法好好地爱人。
心里太在意别人对我的关注。
我总是纳闷, 自己能办到的事, 对方怎么做不到?
是我要求高吗? 我觉得不是。但我往往都会逼退对方。
是不是可以说这些都不是我要的, 而对的人才不会轻易退出, "生存"下来呢?
我会继续在个人修养和涵养上努力。
我要当个更好的人和更值得爱的人。
我依然对自己很有信心能成为理想中的人。
毕竟, 有自信是理想中的人该具备的其中一个条件。

A Kind Soul!!!

I reached out to my phone in my pocket. Empty.
I lost my phone!
It must have dropped on the bus when I alighted from the bus.
I quickly called my phone using the public phone.
I was waiting anxiously for the ringing. It rang.
And the next moment, I was hoping that the person holding my phone would pick up my call.
Three seconds later, it was picked up. Yes!
A male voice was heard.
He asked me if I was the owner who lost the phone and i said yes. He asked me where I am and he told me to meet him at his block nearby.
I was so so thankful and ecstatic when I heard that!
Despite being very desperate and anxious to retrieve my phone, I walked to the supermarket to get a box of chocolate.
After that, I quickly rush to the block but found myself lost. Luckily, i found the block.
I saw him. I recognised him.
He kindly handed the phone to me and told me that he actually asked who lost the phone when some passengers and I were alighting the bus.
Oh my god~!! He is so kind~~~!!! I am really really grateful to him.
I was surprised to see him.
He was sitting diagonally in front of me on the bus and I noticed him all the while because of his tattoo and the way he talked to his friend beside him. I secretly thought he was a bad ah beng. But I was proven wrong! Oh my~! I am so regretful that I had stereotyped him.
I really really feel so lucky that he picked up my phone and returned to me shortly. He could have sold it. The phone is new and nicely designed.
Before I left, I took out the chocolate I had bought and gave it to him as a small gesture of appreciation.
Yet, I know the kind deed he did worth more than anything.

A Happy Birthday

It's a Monday.

The first good thing is being able to sleep in quarter past twelve and wake up at 9 in a weekday morning.

To start it off, I put on fitness gear and headed to the gym for a long workout. The gym was empty but shortly came a lady sharing with me. Working out in a morning with few people competing for the gym equipment is a luxury for me after I have started working. It is also becoming rare for me to be able to see the people cleaning the gym and the premises around it. When I greeted them a good morning, I felt I had gone back in time when I was only busy with schoolwork.

After spending an hour in gym, I was out to kopitiam. As I strolled on the street, I felt a sense of happiness. Walking on the street to get my breakfast at 10 plus ? That's fantastic! I ordered a set breakfast of Teh with French toast. As I took a sip of the hot teh, it just tasted wonderful~ The moment was perfect and I was really satisfied! In addition, the first bite of the French toast just make me with so blissful~ Who says good food need to be expensive? A simple meal like teh and French toast is more than enough. It's a total enjoyment for me.

The next stop is Changi Airport. I hopped on a bus that took almost an hour to arrive at Terminal 3. However, along the way, I realised even though this was not the first time I took the bus to the airport the scenery on the road seems unfamiliar to me. This time, it appeared that I was more observant of the surrounding and enjoyed the scenery even more. I walked up to Itacho Sushi. It was almost empty as there were only two customers. I was given a table near to the window. The atmosphere was serene. I ordered several sushi and slowly enjoyed every mouth of it. When I had decided to dine in Itacho, I was prepared to pay a hefty price of above $40. When the bill came, it was only $27. I was pretty surprised.

After a satisfied lunch, I quickly took a train to Harbour Front to meet him. He had actually waited for me for two hours. Oh my. Why did he just keep mum? I felt bad that while I was enjoying the lunch, he had to wait for me silently. He very patiently walked around the mall and shopped with me. His gifts for me were a notebook with his drawing on the front page and a small sling bag from Charles. =) In addition, he treated me Thai dinner and Haagen Daz ice cream cake and ice cream waffle which was very satisfying. Before my day came to an end, he made a photo collage for me. Thank you!

I miss my Monday. For the first time, I felt dreadful going to work. But I know, I had a wonderful birthday and fully enjoyed my birthday.

海市蜃楼

Another blow.
First was his ex.
Now is his own problem.
He is just a jerk.
If you are not ready, don't ever commit yourself.
You are just a big letdown to me. Utterly.
Well, at least this happened shortly after being together.
Seriously, I should really concentrate on my career and friends. I have a group of loving friends.
Just treat this incident as a fun activity that just ends abruptly.
I shall seek for more thrills and fun till the right one really appears.
Honestly, I'm not totally ready as well. But this doesn't pose a problem for me.
Remember, never trust a man unless its proven he is trustworthy over a substantial period of time.
It sucks.
Bastard.
I'm not going to self blame cos I'm totally clean, and got nothing to do with his business.
That's it.
I will be better.
I believe the right one is there for me not faraway. All these obstacles are just preparing me to be ready for the right one. I will be stronger emotionally. I swear I will not be nasty or turn crazy or lash out at those who have hurt me. It's hard but can be done. It's to being a cultured person. And to be kind to myself and others. I believe kind deed will be rewarded.